Q: Go any tips on writing you’d like to share?
A: As it happens, yes, I do. Here are my top ten tips to help you make that writing plan, and begin thinking of yourself as a Writer.
1/ If you're serious about your writing you need to have a plan. It's like being part of a group of ninjas about to plant bombs in government buildings. You can't just turn up and expect to plant bombs that reliably and spectacularly go off killing dozens or, if you’re lucky, hundreds. You need to plan and train regularly, learn what you can and use that to improve your skills. You also need to practice. For example, moving regretfully away from the ninja bomb-planting metaphor, I’ve written my Man Booker winning speech over four hundred times. This allows me to feel like a winner, and feeling like a winner is exactly what you want to be if you’re going to crush other writers underfoot. And win the Man Booker.
2/ Find time every day to write. Yes, we're all busy people surrounded by deadbeats that drag us down and prevent us from doing whatever the hell we want - bosses, co-workers, spouses, children, lawyers and lazy bar staff. Everyone's busy. But if you don't find time in your day to write, you won't write. So find the time. For me, ten hours is a minimum. Anything less and you should, frankly, get your hand off it. Look in the mirror – is there a haggard, pale, tortured, hung-over creature staring back at you with a fine motor tremor and facial twitches? If there is, well done. You’re on the way.
3/ Set that writing routine and practice. Even if it's just the six hours from two AM to when you have to go to work, and another six in the evening, any writing time is better than none.
4/ Find a special place to write. Under a coffee table in the fetal position is often good for me. On the pavement outside The Broken Arms is another place you’ll find me, often in the early hours, despite the difficulty of locating an electronic word processor in such a location at such a time. This is where your iPhone or iPad can be used as a slim pillow while you scrape haikus into soft bitumen with knives from the pub dining room that have found their way into your possession. My point here is you need a relaxed space in which to write - somewhere you feel comfortable and inspired. I make a point of always hiding a small writing device – a pen or pencil, it doesn’t matter – somewhere the police won’t find it. The look of surprise when they open the drunk-tank in the morning to find the walls are now a literary masterpiece is well worth the effort.
5/ Block out distractions - turn the internet off so you don't get distracted by social media, porn and cute animal gifs. Another trick is to secretly replace all the locks on the apartment, enabling you to keep family, creditors and stress outside. Mattresses piled up against doors and windows will ensure the shouting is barely heard over the Wagner and the smashing of empty bottles.
6/ Start a writing journal. Collect story ideas in one place, so if you're stuck for something to write about, you can just look back at your journal. Your first thoughts may be ‘my God, how drunk was I?’ but dig a little deeper and you’ll find the nub of an idea that may yield that Man Booker prize-winning novel.
7/ Write when you're inspired. Write when you’re not. Make hypergraphia your psychiatric illness of choice. If you feel like writing outside your set hours, just write – sleep is for pussies. If you have writer's block, or your body keeps trying to lie down and rest, just write anything until an idea pops into your head. Write utter drivel if you like. A bit of editing later on and you can call it contemporary literary fiction. Any old rubbish will keep those wheels greased and the grant applications moving. Write about what you can see out the window, what you find in your pockets or under your fingernails - anything. Just keep writing until that Man Booker idea comes.
8/ Keep a recording device next to your bed. Sometimes the best ideas come in the middle of the night and you won't remember them in the morning when the hospital orderlies are kicking you out of the casualty department. To be sure, I record everything I do and say. I have, gaffer-taped to my chest, a small recording device. In the morning I download and transcript the contents to a program that turns it into text that I admit looks and reads a lot like a bad translation from English to Italian then back to English - but in a good way. I don’t lose any of my vital creative journeys, and who knows which of these vital, visceral writings will bring me that Man Booker? I don’t, you don’t, but we can both agree it’s only a matter of time.
9/ Allow yourself time to think - time to come up with ideas to write about. That means quiet time without computers, social networking or any kind of social life. Music is fine if that's what inspires you. Drugs, alcohol, jogging, vigorous sex, Plants versus Zombies – whatever gets you going.
10/ Set yourself writing goals. They can be large or really huge. Make sure they are achievable. For example, if you're busy with work, you might only set yourself a goal of 10,000 words a day or 50,000 words a week. It has to be an amount that you feel you can achieve without being hospitalised. I know this because in hospital they take electronic devices away from you due to the adverse effect they have on sensitive monitoring equipment. People can and do die if you sneak Mac Airs into HDUs.
11/ Reward yourself. When you've achieved your daily writing goal, celebrate it with other writers or just reward yourself by doing a fun activity you don't normally do. Have you left a bottle of Laphroig sitting in a cupboard for days? Well, get stuck in and feel good about yourself. And remember to hide that writing implement where the police can’t find it during the strip search!
I hope this helps.